Daniel's State of the [something witty] address

My fellow Americans and the thousands of illegal aliens who are hopefully translating this into Spanish, I am humbled to be here in this forum.

In a two party system, a system of debate, a system in which ultra-leftist Castro supporting communists are referred to as Democrats and moderate Republicans are called Right-Wing facists, we have some problems. The main problem being that the debate does not contain enough Ted Kennedy sound-bites. To fully appreciate the issues before us we must allow Kennedy to talk more often and hearings should be held after happy hour.

But the State of [something witty to be inserted later] is strong and with the help of some guest workers we will make it even stronger. (Lift that side up Pablo...)

Abroad our Nation is envied and some countries want to kill us. This would be no problem except that liberals don't seem to want to fight back. Some countries may not like us. That's ok because other countries suck. Seriously. I'm not even joking at this point. Just try to name another country that doesn't suck. Well ok, Australia but that's it.

So we are making war against enemies while at the same time our media is dragging us down and some of our own citizens are rooting for us to lose. (Mental note: have those people deported)

Iran, we're going to kick your ass.

But to my fellow Oregonians (this is going to get me into trouble...) please stop rooting for the Seahawks. They are not an Oregon team. Adopting the closest out of state team to root for just seems pathetic to me. It's time to splash some cold water on our collective faces and admit that we just aren't a sports town.

Sure we could root for the Portland Anarchists or the Eugene Eco-terrorists or we could all join a non-competitive game of hacky sack but we aren't going to have a football team. Just accept it.

Perhaps we could come up with some other alternative sports to cheer for in Oregon. We could do a variation of the X Games that we would call the M Games.

We would have competitions between state agencies to see how many criminal aliens they could serve in a day. (double points if they've been deported once before) County jails could compete for the number of forced releases they let go because their jails are full of inmates with immigration holds.

We could have weight-lifting competitions with the pounds and pounds of drugs coming from Mexico.

So you see, our Nation de Atzlan, err, our Union is strong. And with Pablos help it will only get stronger.