Guantanamo Loses Five-Star Rating
In the interests of helping my country, I have devised a compact set of torture guidelines for Guantanamo.
It's not torture if:
The same acts performed on a live stage have been favorably reviewed by Frank Rich of The New York Times.
Andrew Sullivan has ever solicited it from total strangers on the Internet.
You can pay someone in New York to do it to you.
Karen Finley ever got a federal grant to do it.
It's comparable to the treatment U.S. troops received in basic training.
It's no worse than the way airlines treat little girls in pigtails flying to see Grandma.
Ann Coulter understands a simple truth: Liberals hate America.
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