Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Tues night humor

You might be a liberal if...

You think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.

You want to outlaw cigarrettes and legalize marijuana.

You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

You think that if someone is getting richer, someone, somewhere, must be getting poorer.

You believe that there was never, ever a problem with biased news coverage until Fox News went on the air.

You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every activity except capitalism.

You reach the limits of your talent and then complain that you ran into a glass ceiling.

Feel free to add your own and some "you might be a conservative" ones from those of you who froth at the mouth when you read my blog.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Actually, I would hope people would distinguish between conservatives and republicans. Example: Ron Paul is a conservative; Ronald Reagan was not.

Anonymous said...

Or between Republicans and Miglavians. Republicans are conservative. Miglavians are fascists. There's a difference.

Anonymous said...

You think that if someone is getting richer, someone, somewhere, must be getting poorer.


I am not a liberal, but you appear to believe what I call the PJ O'Rourke Fallacy.

PJ wrote, in one of his books, something to the effect that if I (you) have more money [get richer], that doesn't mean you (I) have less money [get poorer].

Back in the Reagan Boom of the 1980s, the people in my area had more money - they got richer. As a result, real estate prices and specifically, rents, soared.

I faced five rent increases in five years, and since my income did not increase during this time, I definitely had less money (got poorer).

Mike said...

Stupid liberals. If you don't like what he writes don't read. I think the DailyKos is full of the biggest idiots on the planet, so I don't bother reading the drivel.

Simple...but I know you liberals want to just silence his freedom of speech like you do everywhere else unless it is for illegals, gays, Islamofascists or some other group that is breaking the law.

Mike said...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Anonymous said...

Besides the fact that you think raping woman and molesting children is OK, you might be a conservative if:

* You watch the Rush Limbaugh show the same way your kid watches "Barney
and Friends"

* You believe an adulterer who served his wife divorce papers while she
was in the hospital and later had to be taken to court for lack of child
support payments named Newt when he talks about how he's for "Family
Values"

* You complain about the "liberal media" on any of the numerous
conservative political TV/radio talk shows.

* You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wessen"

* You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy
liberals.

* You believe the Holocaust to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

* You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings
with a vodka straight in hand.

* You believe the Constitution states the Christianity is our official
religion.

* You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television...
oops, my mistake... that's "You might be Newt Gingrinch if.."

* You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.

* If you fit any of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..."

* You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the
teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon
imaginable.

* You actually believe that people actually own AK-47's for "hunting
purposes"

* You have faith in idiotic economic policies such as "trickle down
economics"

* You don't see why everyone's so down on Mark Fuhrman.

* You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the
least.

* The hostess at the Sizzler knows you by name.

* You have a button that says "I'm not prejudice, I hate everyone"

* You can ask your daddy to bail you out when you lose hundreds of
thousands of dollars from embezzling S&L's

* Your main source for news is an egocentric man named Rush who distorts
facts consistantly to fit his views and opinions.

* You want to find another out-of-work actor to play the figurehead for
the Republican party (perhaps Bonzo's free)

* Your response to anything Bill Clinton says includes a reference to
Arkansas hillbillies.

* You still attempt to defend Dan Quayle's intelligence.

* You get offended if someone is unusually quiet on the way to a funeral...
oops, sorry, my fault again... thats another "You might be Newt
Gingrinch..."

* You refuse to talk to your sister because she's a lesbian... dangit,
sorry...once again, another "You might be Newt..."

* You obsessively impose your own morality upon others.

* You wish to ammend the Constitution to make desecration of the flag
illegal.

* You wish to rewrite the first ammendment to make desecration of the
flag illegal.

* You wish to rewrite the first commandment to make desecration of the
flag illegal (and here, you thought you were such a good Christian...)

* You believe that if parents and teachers don't mention sex to a child
until s/he is 25, then s/he won't even know it exists until then.

* You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.

* You must first don rubber gloves before shaking hands with a homosexual.

* You attribute the lack of close families to Murphy Brown.

* You helped to ban Beavis from saying "fire", yet keep a loaded handgun
in the house (doesn't matter if it's hidden.. your kid knows where it
is, trust me.)

* You have a sticker saying "Guns don't kill people, people do" (and I
suppose those little bullet things are harmless too)

* You believe that everyone else should hold the same moralistic and
political views as you, and by God, you're going to see to it that they
do!

and finally...

* You believed anything on the previous "You might be a liberal if..." list.


You might also be a conservative if...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two."

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you suspect Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstok was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said "civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties."

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon

Bobkatt said...

anonymous 10:37- you need to get out more and actually talk, and more importantly listen to more conservatives, maybe you would have a different view.
I consider myself a Conservative in that I believe that the American ideals are great. We don't always live up to them though.
As for your little list I'm afraid I don't fall into hardly any of your little digs.
*Raping women and molesting children is never OK.
*I didn't even know that Rush still had a show on television.
*Newt is a self-righteous tool of the Globalists just like Hillary, Barack, and McCain.
*I've never called a radio or TV talk show.
*I have a bumper sticker that says Ron Paul for President and one that says the American Military didn't die for open borders.
*The hole in the Ozone layer is scientifically proven.
*The "Holocaust"is one of many "genocides" including:
7 Million Russians that were killed by Stalin.
2 Million in Cambodia.
800,000 in Rwanda.
1.5 Million in Armenia.
*Marijuana should be re-legalized along with most drugs.
*We don't have an official religion, but we have Christian traditions.
*Gingrich-see above.
*Some Feminists are Lesbians, most Lesbians are probably Feminists, some men are Feminists.
*I enjoy Jeff Foxworthy and do fit some of his predictions.
*I believe most people should be able to bare arms unless proven to be a threat to society and should use them to protect themselves and their fetus'.
*The second amendment has nothing to do with hunting and everything to do with self-defense and self-government.
*I have faith in an economic policy for the most part free-markets, self-motivation, innovation, and competition. I'm against policies that interfere with these.
*I don't know enough about Mark Fuhrman to make a comment.
*Michaelangelo's David is a work of art that can't be improved upon.
*I haven't been to Sizzler's in 20 years.
*I don't hate you.
*My dad is dead but I never asked him for a dime after I got my first job at 17. Bought my own car and insurance, paid for my own college, bought my own house and helped raise 4 step-children.
*Don't listen to Rush. Listen to Free Talk Live (Libertarian Talk), NPR, and Jefferson Public Radio every night at work.
*Want Ron Paul for President.
*Your the first person I have read or heard that mentioned Arkansas rednecks in reference to Bill Clinton.
*I never thought of Dan Quayle as especially smart but he did manage to receive a B.A. from De Pauw University and a J.D. from Indiana University School of Law.
*The only change in the Constitution I would make is to make it a law that to be a natural born citizen of this country, at least one of your parents has to be a legal citizen.
*I don't want to rewrite the Bible either.
*I believe in comprehensive sex education but not promotion for students.
*I think Clarence Thomas speaks for himself and has as much right as you or I.
*I don rubber gloves to type this note.
*I attribute the lack of close families to parents that don't make the effort to have a close family. I don't see any value in glamorizing single parenthood or demonizing it.
*I love Beavis and Butthead and don't want to ban anyone, including Don Imus, Howard Stern, or Michael Savage.
*Guns-see above.
*Everyone should have the right to their own moralistic and political views as long as they don't infringe on mine.
*Poverty can never be abolished.
*As an Agnostic, I don't pretend to know Jesus' mind but I believe he existed and that he was probably an anti-Capitalist. But as far as I know he never suggested welfare. He was big on charity however. There's a difference. Charity is the voluntary giving of your own resources to another. Welfare is the confiscation of another persons resources under threat of force in order to give it to another.
*I'm a pro-lifer, but believe the Federal Government has no legal authority to make it illegal.
*Huey Newton-killed a cop. May have had a good reason, don't know.
*Belong to the AFSCME Union, disagree with most of their politics.
*Laughing right now.
*Never wear a tie, chafes my red-neck.
*Don't call mall security rent-a-cops. See some police as "jack-booted thugs."
*Once used the phrase "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." referring to fleas.
*Didn't go to business school but don't have a problem with anyone that does.
*Don't ever use the word "Tootsie" sorry.
*Don't know who "The Man" is.
*I think the Simpsons is probably the funniest and smartest show on television.
*Wasn't aware there were any Commies in my neighborhood and have never faxed or emailed the FBI about anything.
*Love Groucho Marx. Karl however was confused.
*Never yelled at a hippie, had long hair until it fell out.
*Went to a few radical rock concerts in the sixties but missed Birkenstok.
*Don't own 300 handguns and never seen a bear in my neighborhood.
*Vietnam was a collosal mistake that seems to be repeating as we speak.
*Don't listen to Hootie and don't believe we will end racism in America. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.
*Believe that civil liberties are second in importance only to personal liberties.
*Don't know if Anita Hill lied or not and think Bob Packwood was corrupt dirty old man.
*Spent MLK Day reading "The Constitution in Exile" by Judge Andrew P. Napolitano.
*Call education a necessity and a great equalizer.
*Mopped the glass ceiling.
*Don't contribute to any government department voluntarily.
*Still love Bob Dylan.
*Think Ollie North did his job and probably should be in jail for conspiracy and violating the Constitution along with Reagan, Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Cheney, and probably Bill Clinton and any others that violated the constitution and sold out America.
*Believe the MSM is mostly liberal but I'm afraid that we aren't given the truth by either side.
*Believe that traditions make up your culture and your culture is worth protecting.
*Crosses in urine, the Virgin Mary smeared with elephant dung-come on.
*Think that all artists are unique.
*Never used Sesame St. characters to explain economic theories to a child.
*Don't use tired old bromides.
*Think John Lennon had the best Rock and Roll voice ever. Vladimir, not so much.
Hope this clears it up a little bit for you.

Anonymous said...

Mike: Which liberal and/or post said anything about restricting Daniel's freedom of speech?

Scottiebill said...

Daniel: One other thing about being a liberal:

A liberal will give away anything that does not belong to him.

Anonymous said...

Most libs that I wish I did not know ,are what I call feel good types . That is feel good as long as someone else is doing what they want done , whelst they go and get high on there medical dope!

Anonymous said...

You might be a Republican if:

You think putting a "Support Our Troops" sticker on your car makes up for not giving them proper equipment.

Anonymous said...

You might be a republican if you are sporting a red kool-aid mustache.

Anonymous said...

You might be a republican/conservative if you bring you lawn chairs to party at prison executions but get there in a car that sports a Pro-Life bumpersticker.

You might be a republican/conservative if you worship the free market/capitalism system as if it were a religion, but get pissed off beyond all reason when a business exercises their right to practice free market capitalism by choosing to communicate with a substantial portion of their customer/market in the Spanish language.

You might be a republican/conservative if the science of global warming is so hard for you to grasp that you point to recent record snow storms as proof positive that global warming is a myth.

You might be a republican/conservative if you agree with George Bush that you neither know, nor care where Osama bin Laden is.

You might be a republican/conservative if you are delusional enough to believe that Iraq is ever going to be a success story and that we're safer because we invaded Iraq and gave Osama plenty of time to go deep cover elsewhere.

You might be a republican/conservative if you think that a 20 foot wall can't be overcome by a 21 foot ladder.

You might be a republican/conservative if you refrain from bashing crooks that hire illegals in the first place because they're your friends and neighbors, who you don't want to get in trouble...much better to bash "Mexicans" than the crooks (your friends and neighbors) who hire them.

Anonymous said...

You might be a Republican if you think that wearing a flag pin makes you a "good American" any more than going to church makes you a "good Christian."

Mike said...

You might be a liberal if you get your news from Rachel Maddow or Randi Rhodes and think its real news.

You might be a liberal if you spend all day protesting marine recruitment centers and call it a job, but still expect the government to pay you and give you tax exemption.

You might be a liberal if you want peace and think war is wrong but will stab a baby in the back of the head, suck out the brain, toss the body, and say its not a human.

You might be a liberal if you smoke, drink, do drugs, have unprotected sex and still want me to pay for your health care.

You might be a liberal if you burn flags (already a protected item) but say you are a patriot.

You might be a liberal if you think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.

You might be a liberal if you think science has proven that Global WarmingTM is a man-made problem when real science a million times over has proven it is natural.

You might be a liberal if you think only white people can be racist.

You might be a liberal if Clarence Thomas made you sick, Bob Packwood made you protest, but Bill Clinton is a victim of partisan politics.

You might be a liberal if you think Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are mean spirited racists and promote hate crime but Maxine Waters, Al Franken, Randi Rhodes, John Conyers and Louis Farakahn aren't and don't.

You might be a liberal if you think burning the United States flag should be Constitutionally protected but burning a cross should be outlawed.

You might be a liberal if you think only the rich should pay taxes, but you define rich as "one who works for a living".

You might be a liberal if you believe that posting the "Ten Commandments" in schools will hurt the children, but putting "Heather Has Two Mommies" or "King and King" there won't.

You might be a liberal if you believe that Columbus is a mean-spirit bringer of genocide, and never should have explored to the new world, which meant that no one would have religious or taxation freedom whatsoever.

You might be a liberal if you think that the only way the tragedy in Littleton, CO could have been avoided was to restrict the access of the guns, two of which were bought on the black market.

You might be a liberal if you don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won't do the right thing.

You ARE a liberal if you can't see the irony in your own beliefs.

You might be a liberal if you want to make the rich "pay their fair share" but leave Ted (more people have been killed in my car than in an American nuclear power plant) Kennedy and Dick Gebhardt out of the definition of the rich.

You might be a liberal if you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.

You might be a liberal if you voted for Mondale in 1984 thinking that raising your taxes was a good idea.

You might be a liberal if you think the impeachment vote was 'just about sex'.

You might be a liberal if you think all the attacks against Republicans are justified, but got outraged about the Willie Horton incident.

You might be a liberal if the last 'good old president' you remember was Carter.

You might be a liberal if you find Al Gore interesting to listen to.

You might be a liberal if you use the words "right wing extremist" or "neocon" at least four times in any given day.

You might be a liberal if you called Vietnam Veterans "baby killers" but think that allowing a woman to suck her baby into a sink is a constitutionally protected right.

You might be a liberal if you believe Clinton's numbers about the number of jobs created and don't credit it to the businesses given opportunities in the 1980s.

You might be a liberal if you know no recorded economic history (e.g. the massive stagflation and recession) before the Reagan Era.

You might be a liberal if you think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.

You might be a liberal if you think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

You might be a liberal if you think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.

You might be a liberal if you agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).

You might be a liberal if you are appalled at all the money being spent investigating the alleged illegal activities of Bill Clinton, but insist that investigating 75 charges (74 which were dismissed as unfounded) charges against Newt Ginrich was "the only just thing to do."

You might be a liberal if you believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

You might be a liberal if you marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.

mike said...

Oh, and

You might be a liberal if you fail to see the connection between Lenin and Lennon.

Mike said...

You might be a liberal if you think Michael Moore has produced legitimate, unbiased & truthful documentaries.

Mike said...

You might be a liberal if you think the US would be such an awesome place if it were just a lot more like Canada (or Cuba).

a liberal troll said...

I think Anon 10:37's list is hilarious, but inaccurate on one point. That's not how you recognize a conservative. Most of the conservatives I know are intelligent, compassionate and articulate people. I may not agree with them, but they're no fools or knuckle-draggers.

The list is helpful, however, if your intention is to identify Miglavians, who are not entitled to call themselves conservatives or Republicans.

Bryan said...

Fiscal conservatives= articulate, thoughtful individuals. Social conservatives = scary people.

Mike = tool.

LibLibrarian said...

It's so funny to watch the little Ratpublicans scurrying about to redefine themselves.

Suddenly, none of them are "Republicans" anymore. These "fairweather friends" are now calling themselves
"libertarians," "independents,"
"constitutionalists," and "fiscal conservatives."

ROTFLMAO...can hardly wait to see what they'll be calling themselves when Hillary or Obama take the oath of office. How about "toast?"

Mike said...

Bryan's a little puss. That's all you can come up with? I've been an independent my entire life. BTW, I enjoyed your mom last night.

Mike said...

"can hardly wait to see what they'll be calling themselves when Hillary or Obama take the oath of office. How about "toast?"

We'll be called sane.

Bryan said...

"I've been an independent my entire life."

Who cares? You're still a tool.

Mike said...

That's what your mom said...